HaZe DaZeD

Okay okay… so people DO read my nonsensical blabber. Am pleasantly surprised, i have to say. I just hope that my dear friends and colleagues who do read my blog wont get offended should i start speaking my mind… After all, where else can i practise freedom of speech if speaking your mind is a taboo in our culture? I figured that blogging was the only "safe" medium for me to dump all my anger, frustrations and happiness in.

So here goes. I guess people would call it fantastic news… But of course, there’s always 2 sides of a story. For those who follow my previous blog entries, you would know that a major event will be happening in my life very soon. I’ve been meaning to tell you all for eons now, but somehow the timing was never right. Well, i think i’m just gonna spit it out now.

I am getting married. Hitched. Hooked up. Matrimony. Whatever you wanna call it, it means starting a new life with somebody you love (obviously) and respect (ditto) for all eternity. Yup, i’ve come to that point in my life when it’s time to make a change, and i sincerely hope for the better.

Great news right? Sure! I’ve probably never been in such a high cloud 9 ever. I’m excited, happy, and in love. All along the bumpy ride towards marriage, the ups and downs, the tears and laughter, there’s always that main goal in my mind: To have the most memorable wedding that i can tell my children and grandchildren about when i’m old and gray.

But of course, it was never a bed a roses. People say being engaged to be married is the most trying time of your single life. I must say i agree. This was the time my partner and i REALLY learn about each other’s quirks and imperfections, argue endlessly with our parents with regards to the wedding arrangements and preparations, working our asses off so that there will even BE a wedding. As soon as we’ve sorted those kinks out, everything went relatively well. But as the date comes looming ahead, why do i have bats in my stomach instead of butterflies???

When people ask me how i feel about my upcoming wedding, i say i’m happy, a lil scared, but otherwise i’m fine. What they prolly dont know is what i mean by fine. If any of you are an Italian Job (the newer version) fan, u’d know what i mean:

F - reaked out
I - nsecure
N - eurotic
E - motional

Yes, I’m freaking out. As the countdown continues, my blood pressure escalates. Or maybe plummets? That’s prolly why i’ve been having a trainwreck of a migraine and dizzy spells lately.

Yes, I’m feeling terribly insecure. It seems like i’ve lost all confidence in my abilities and decisions. I’ve become this crazy person who doesn’t know what she really wants anymore. Do i go for cream or champagne colored sheets? Which makeup artiste should i hire? Did I decide to marry the right man? Hearing horror stories and past experiences in problematic marriages (not mine lar) really isn’t helping.

Yes, I’ve become a neurotic nutcase. I could be on an all time high, laughing and giggling away, and can suddenly break down in tears by just the tiniest setback. And in the next instant, i can be fuming like the raging fires of hell.

Yes, I’m emotional. One wrong thing said, and i’ll be in tears. One small mistake, and i’ll be ready to pounce on the waitress who didn’t get my orders right. But then again, i’ve always been incredibly moody anywayz…

So how do i cope with all the madness? I just plaster a big smile on my face, laugh off all criticisms, and try not to think too much about it, albeit not very successfully. I put up a brave front, and focus on the good stuff, all for the sake of my parents and sisters, who have been working like mad day and night to get this shindig off the ground. To them, i will be eternally grateful.

To some of my very good friends and family who have offered help and shoulders for me to cry on whenever i was feeling like crap, i thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’d probably be worse off without your support.

And last but not least, to my one and only Boo… Thank you for loving me. Thank you for understanding me, accepting my imperfections and putting up with this emotional wreck, especially these past few months. And thank you for teaching me that it’s ok to be me. I can only hope that i can be a good partner to you, and that we will be happy in our future life together.

Well, i think that’s all i have to say at the moment (before i start sobbing — i told you i’m a mess!!!) Since its only about a week more to my big day, i don’t think i’ll be able to update my blog anytime soon… So to my fellow readers, do wish me luck and pray for our happiness!