HaZe DaZeD

It’s 02:11 in the morning, and i can’t sleep a wink. Lotsa things runnin through my head. Am particularly feeling invisible tonight… so transparent, yet so heavy at heart. It has come to the point that I have to ’scream’ at ppl to stop and notice  or at least listen to me… Am I so boring, so insignificant that i actually have to resort to such measures??? Eek! I really hope not… Or is it because everybody around me are just plain too ‘BUSY’?!?! God, i how HATE that word…

You see, the word busy is probably the most commonly used excuse when you’re trying to avoid somebody… Trust me, I know… I’ve used it myself! But then i sit and think how that person must feel… and realize how hurtful that one word can be… and so now, I’m trying my very best to not use that excuse, even though i AM busy… I realized, that life is just too short to be so focused on work and let everyone and everything in your life pass you by… Of course, if you call me while i’m having a discussion with my boss, i would have to use it… otherwise my boss’ll not let me get my bonus (yup, it’s ALL abt the money…>:D) or i’ll get told off immediately for keeping my phone on. In this case, i’d always make sure i call them back, provided that it didn’t slip my mind!! (memory loss could happen at any place and time :P)

But then again, that’s in the workplace… that word is called for… but at home?!?! Sure, you sometimes bring your work home, but to the extent of ignoring other ppl, saying you’re busy? Now I dunno abt u guys, but to me, that’s just BS. It’s a huge-blinking-red-with-siren sign saying: "Bugger Off!!!"… I mean c’mon… home time is when you relax, spend time to pamper yourself, to hang out with friends, to see your relatives & loved ones… not sitting in front of your computer plonking away at the keyboard keying in reports or what not… If you’re SO dedicated to your work, might as well sell your soul to your boss and walk the earth like zombies… that way you wont have that guilty conscience whenever you ignore someone using that damned word….

Now I might come off as a woman scorned, but honestly, this is just me speaking (or writing) out loud. I can’t say these things upfront coz, i admit, i can be pretty chicken shit sometimes… so, i write. But I also dont wanna come off as a nagging witch who keeps repeating herself over and over and over. Its just that I feel some of us needs reminding once in a while… a wake up call to re-evaluate what you cherish most. Sure, you do remember your loved ones and think about them all the time… but isn’t it time you let them know that? When was the last time you called ur dad to ask how he is, or the last time you hugged your mom and said you loved her?  When was the last time you found out what’s happening in your sister’s life, how your brother is doing at school, or called your significant other or frens to say you missed them?

I’ve just recently realized how much i’ve ignored some of the most important ppl in my life, and also felt the brunt of another’s "busy with work" excuse for the umpteenth time.. It took an sms from my dad saying he loved me and sitting down with my archi-student sister and actually realizing how much stress she’s under to get the fact that i’ve been a complete ignorant through my thick head. I came to realize that no matter how much money i make, or how successful i become will justify the time i lost with those i care about. I’ve now decided to try my best to make up for things, or at least change for the better. Maybe I should also let those who are too busy for me discover this for themselves too, the way i did. Its even more effective, i think. Or i could also take the hint Oprah has been warning us about… "He/She is Just Not That Into You"… Ah, now THAT is a whole other different story altogether…

Ok, this might look weird, but I’m about to post a blog that i wrote about 2 weeks ago… I know its waaaayy overdue, but when i tried to post it before, friendster was giving me a hell of a time to update my own blog and after several tries, I couldn’t give a damn anymore. So today i figured, what the hell, i’ll have another go… Let’s see if its workin now…

As usual, so many things to say, so little time… Nowadays time flies by so fast it’s as if time has hitched a ride on a speeding bullet train that has no rest stops. Before you know it, you’re already 25, still plump, still single, still can’t seem to save a dime to save your life. Everybody seems to be passing you by, living your dreams to the utmost detail that you just feel like screaming STOPPPPPP!!!!!!!!! Enough already. Enough.

The past few weeks have been hell, but with guidance from the people i love, i managed to stumble through.. all the while focusing on the dimming light ahead of me. There’s also those very few close friends who actually listen to your unsaid sorrows and help cut through the tangible depression with the knife of understanding. Kinda makes you feel wanted and showing you that you really do matter. Nyway.. in the mission to cheer myself up, I went out with friends, made new ones, did stuff that I love and hung out more with my family. I decided, enough of feeling sorry for myself already. I needed to do something about it. And i did!

Saturday Evening, 10/9 - I’ve always loved theatre, although I haven’t had the chance to go to as many as i would like. Mostly due to financial constraints. Well, once my friend showed me the article on a Shakespearan play, I was practically jumping up and down with glee when i saw that the ticket was actually AFFORDABLE! Macbeth, one of Shakespeare’s most revered masterpieces. Presented by the British Council, by Theatre Babel from Scotland. So me and my friend decided to go to the matinee show on Saturday. After getting abit lost in KL (I’m a lousy KL driver, i have to admit), we reached KLPAC. It was sooo hidden & isolated, we weren’t sure that the place would be nice. But the beautiful building proved us wrong. It looked like one of those art galleries in the UK or US, with red bricks and metal with long, wide windows. Simple, yet lovely all the same. It was located next to a lake, although we didnt really check it out coz it was so damn hot!

Nway, the play started at about 3.15, and we waited patiently while the atmosphere in the theatre started to change to set the mood of Macbeth. It was dark, gloomy and grey mist was floating around while an unnerving background music started to play. On stage, about 2 dozen swords were standing upright on the stage. Then the play began. As the play unfolded, we were so engrossed with the utter violence and eerie coldness of the characters that we just barely realized that they hardly used any props at all! Just the mere background music, lighting & mist perfected by the profound acting of the characters and the artistic shakespearan language made the whole story of Macbeth a really scary, violent performance. It was one of the best experiences in my life. I thoroughly enjoyed it, despite the fact that the bunch of idiotic, slang-speaking-but-grammatically-incorrect teenagers seated behind us who were making all sorts of noises, talking and snickering away like they owned the damn theatre. And when the play ended, they have the gall to say "i didnt understand a damn thing!". I was like… Duh! Who told you to not pay attention??? I mean, if you wanted to waste ur money, go to a mall or summat, dont spoil other ppl’s experience!!! Blithering idiots, i must say… 

Saturday Night, 10/9 - Around 8.45, my friends from PRIMARY SCHOOL picked me up to go to our gathering @Starbucks Uptown. I didn’t know Starbucks could be so empty! But perhaps its becoz it was quite early, so the crowd wasn’t there yet. We were the first to arrive, so we set the place up (well actually arranged a few tables and chairs together :P) to accomodate the group of ppl coming. As one by one they turned up, we took turns updating our profiles on our website for future references. Then we started checkin out our old primary skool photos, figuring out who’s who and laughing at how much we’ve changed… Around 10.00 the guest of honor arrived (she was working abroad before, so we decided to have a welcome home gathering). I honestly didnt expect her to remember me, as i was such a loner as a kid. I was so pleased that she did, though! At about 11-ish, we all decided it was time to leave… abit early to retire, i know, but it didnt seem like anybody else was coming…

Sunday, 11/9 - Nothing much, just went out with my dad and sisters… Went to OU, was happily shopping when my mary janes decided to up and "sing" out loud. The base of my shoe was partially coming off! So there i was, limping around OU, trying to look for a new pair… Its amazing how we can never find something that we want when we really need it, but when we don’t wanna buy it, there it was!! When i did find one, I didn’t have enough cash for it. So in the end, I limped my way to the car and went straight home coz I had to rush to Masjid Kg Tunku to attend a tahlil for my friend’s late father. What a day!

Wednesday, 14/9 - Yet another momentous occasion. My cousin got married. (And yes, i was asked the ultimate pain-in-butt question several times, and i’ve used one of the comebacks successfully! :P)Weird day for a wedding isn’t it? Guess that’s why quite a few relatives couldn’t come… It was a simple, yet joyous affair. My cousin and her "mat salleh" groom were joined together at the famous Masjid Shah Alam, after Asar prayers. It was beautiful to hear a muallaf say the 2 kalimah syahadah and the wedding khutbah in english. After the ceremony ended, we walked out of the mosque… and then we saw the groom taking my cousin’s shoes and practically helped her put it on! So sweet… During the reception back home, i couldnt help but notice how loving they were, feeding each other… hugs… my new cousin in-law coming up to my cousin saying "hey beautiful…", giving full attention as if the commotion around them blends to nothing but just the 2 of them.. Ah, newlyweds… hope they’ll stay like that forever. Its nice to see some couples even after many years of marriage, the husband can still send flowers to the wife’s office… like my colleague, who got a bouquet of big, fat red roses out of the blue… i was so jealous!!! Nway, as for my cousin and her hubby, they really were a match made in heaven… and i wish the beautiful couple all the happiness in the world…

Well, that was a rather lengthy review of my past week. Hope I didn’t bore anybody outta their minds… hehe! Hopefully this week will be a better week for me…

Ok… That was what happened a couple of weeks ago…. Since then, alot of other important things and decisions were made… And I’m quite happy for the time being (the weeks that followed the lousy week i wrote about before were finally good to me). Oh, not to forget, my best friend — not the one who just got married, but my OTHER best friend (what? so I have 2 best frens… go ahead and call the friendship police :P) just got engaged to her then boyfriend and she’s now got this huge glow around her that i SO envy… Am totally happy for her, and I wish them all the best in preparing for the BIG DAY. Beb, if you’re reading this, if you need any help (esp in the shopping dept :P), just holler, aight! I’d be happy to accomodate…

Okies, till the next edition then….